How to Treat Your Butler
Between request and reply, respect on both sides
About How to Treat Your Butler
How to treat your butler is the etiquette of a relationship in which lady and butler exchange requests and replies while protecting each other's dignity. A butler serves you as fully as possible, but is not someone who accepts everything without condition. Sincere consultation, including the reply "I am afraid that is not possible", is what makes for a comfortable time.
First of all, please ask your butler.
One recites poetry; another has firm opinions on records; a third, once started on the origins of tea, cannot be stopped. Each butler has something they excel at. When you have a wish, there is no need to hold back by guessing in advance whether it is possible. Put it into words first, and your butler can think about how to prepare.
A request need not be a finished instruction. From a mood such as "I would like some quiet" or "I would like to know more about this piece", your butler arranges the options. Male and female butlers alike face you while confirming their own strengths and what they are able to take on.
If your meaning does not come across at once, simply rephrase the purpose or the mood. Your butler, too, does not pretend to understand, but checks what is needed. Time spent going back and forth between request and confirmation is not an order stalling; it is the essential preparation for both of you to picture the same scene.
Four replies a butler may give to a request
| Reply | Meaning | What follows |
|---|---|---|
| Something they excel at | Varies from butler to butler | First, please tell us your wish |
| Something they are less able at | Varies from butler to butler | We reply courteously, without pretending to understand |
| Something beyond the scope of duties | Lies outside what a butler may take on | We respectfully decline |
| Something that compromises dignity | We protect the dignity of both lady and butler | We respectfully decline |
The reply "I am afraid that is not possible" is not meant to keep you at a distance, but to serve you sincerely while protecting the dignity of both sides.
Describe the scene you wish for, and your butler can more easily choose the means.
The scene you wish for is expressed in words about what kind of time you would like to spend, before any specific steps. Hearing "I would like to write a letter quietly in the study" or "I would like to keep talking before the fire", your butler can think of light, chair, tea and the distance to keep as a single scene.
When you have several wishes, tell us which mood comes first. Do you want photographs, to see the furnishings up close, or to protect time with your companion? In the same room, what the butler prepares first will differ. Once the purpose is clear, it becomes easier to suggest what is possible.
For one guest, we respect time with few words; for two, we stand where we do not interrupt the conversation. With up to six guests, we do not let one person's wish decide everyone's movements, but confirm an order in which all can be comfortable. Whatever the number, the stance of asking first, replying, and moving with consent does not change.
"I am afraid that is not possible" is also a butler's phrase.
Taking on everything at once is not the only good service. Requests beyond the scope of a butler's duties, or that would compromise a butler's dignity, are respectfully declined. Not undertaking things vaguely, but saying plainly that something cannot be done, is also part of a butler's duty.
"I am afraid that is not possible" does not deny the wish itself. Each butler has their own strengths and limits, and what they can do differs. Once you have received the reply, if you have another wish, please ask your butler again. We explain the difficulty as far as we are able, and suggest another way to come closer to your purpose if one exists.
Five exchanges that turn a request into a comfortable consultation
Tell us your wish
Beyond what you would like to do, please tell us how you would like to spend the time.
Your butler checks
We confirm whether the wish lies within a butler's duties, and that it does not compromise a butler's dignity.
Receive the reply
Your butler tells you what can be done, what needs confirming, and what is not possible.
Consult on another way
When the first form is difficult, we think together about another way that keeps your purpose.
Ask again
When the first form is difficult and you have another wish, please tell your butler once more.
Please tell us your wishes in terms of purpose and mood.
| What you feel | How you might say it | What the butler confirms |
|---|---|---|
| I would like some quiet | Please keep conversation to a minimum | How often to speak, and the distance to keep |
| I would like to see the house properly | I would like to hear the origins of the furniture and silver | The rooms and pieces of interest, and what may be touched |
| I want to look after my companion | I would like the conversation between the two of us to come first | When the butler should step in, and what to prepare |
| I have not decided yet | I would like to talk about a place that suits today's mood | Preferences for light, quiet, seating and so on |
It need not be a finished instruction. We ask about purpose and mood, and your butler arranges the options.
Even the story of lady and servant has boundaries that must not be crossed.
A butler serves you. But that story does not mean one party may belittle the other. Requests beyond the scope of a butler's duties, or that would compromise a butler's dignity, are respectfully declined. Protecting a butler's dignity is part of respecting everyone who spends time in the Manor.
At the same time, a butler does not presume your feelings, nor press you into conversation or activity. When the one who asks and the one who answers respect each other's boundaries, the story of lady and servant becomes not a cramped hierarchy but a relationship of trust entrusted to each other.
In situations where your own wishes should be confirmed, such as photographs, conversation or care involving physical contact, your butler asks first. Even a wish already accepted can be changed; please tell us if your mood alters. We are not bound by the first reply, but rearrange the scene to respect your wishes at that moment.
What a comfortable relationship includes
- Asking your butler directly about your wishes and your mood
- The butler replying in words with what can be taken on and what needs confirming
- Consulting on another way that keeps your purpose when something is difficult
- Mistress and butler protecting each other's wishes and dignity
What it does not include
- Belittling the person or the body of either party
- Taking on what is not understood by pretending to understand
- Holding you to a wish once decided, even after your mood has changed
From arrival to farewell, your wishes can be revisited as often as you like.
At the start of your visit, your butler takes your coat and belongings and asks your wishes for the day. Even with plans decided at booking, it is natural for your mood to change once you have entered the house and seen the furnishings and the light. Tell your butler, and we rearrange the order within what can be taken on.
When you wish to move to the study midway through afternoon tea, to spend a little longer in quiet before the fire, or to leave the commemorative photographs until later: there is no need to keep to the original plan for fear of the size of the change. Your butler checks the remaining time and the preparations needed, and replies with what is possible.
Before the farewell, we check and return what we have kept for you. If there is anything you forgot to mention, or a way you would like to spend your next visit, please tell us. To the very end of the day, we serve so that the words of the one who asks and the one who answers are never left vague, and you leave the Manor with a light heart.
Three ways into understanding your relationship with your butler
Butler's Manners
The way into the etiquette of the bell, the table, the bow and mutual dignity.
Read more
The Butler's Consideration
A way of spending time in which you first ask a butler who has strengths and limits of their own.
Read more
The Nature of the Manor and Our Promises
The promise that a butler is always present, keeping the door, the furnishings and the peace of mind of those who visit.
Read moreQHow much may I ask for?
First, please ask your butler. What each butler can do varies. Requests beyond the scope of a butler's duties, or that would compromise a butler's dignity, are respectfully declined.
QIf I am told it is not possible, was I wrong to ask?
The reply is never a reproach for asking. What each butler can do varies. If you have another wish, please ask again.
QI worry too much about imposing on my butler.
Please tell us your wishes without reserve. Your butler replies for themselves with what can be done and what is difficult. There is no need for you to give up in advance.
QShould I treat male and female butlers differently?
There is no need to change the form of your respect according to gender. Male and female alike, each serves you as a butler, with their own strengths, limits and dignity.
QCan I consult you even if I have not decided what I want?
Yes. Begin with a mood, such as wanting quiet or wanting to see the furnishings. Your butler suggests rooms and ways of spending the time, and together we find a form close to your wish.
QMay I change my mind partway through?
Yes. When your mood changes, tell us how you feel at that moment. Your butler is not bound by the first reply, and rearranges the scene within what can be taken on.
About a butler's thoughtfulness
- Only some of our butlers offer this. If you would like it, please tell us when you book
- This is not a medical or therapeutic treatment
- Before aromatherapy oils are used, we ask that you check your skin's sensitivity
- Requests beyond a butler's duties, or that would compromise a butler's dignity, are respectfully declined
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Please, first of all, ask your butler.
We listen to your wishes and your butler replies. Tell us the date and how you would like to spend the time.