A butler demonstrating at a table laid with silver cutlery

Butler manners

Butler Manners

The butler prepares first, so that the lady of the house need never hesitate.

Queen's Butler — Definition

About Butler Manners

Butler manners are the gestures by which a butler prepares the setting and the movement in advance, so that the lady of the house never wonders what to do next and passes the time calmly. At the table, at afternoon tea, in the bow, and in answering the silver bell, each has an order designed never to hurry the lady of the house. Men and women butlers alike express that care in every movement.

Quiet guidance

Manners are not there to test the lady of the house.

Before a table laid with silver cutlery, one may feel a little on guard. Where does one begin with the three-tier stand, when should the silver bell be rung, how does one address the butler? Watching your hands and your gaze, the butler gently indicates the next move before that hesitation ever becomes a question.

Preparing the setting does not mean imposing fine rules upon the lady of the house; it means the butler removing the seeds of hesitation in advance. Drawing out the chair, matching her pace, placing what is needed within reach, answering briefly when asked. Because the butler prepares first, the lady of the house can give her attention to the hours before her.

Receiving a teacup from a white-gloved butler

Five scenesFive scenes of manners

Manners

From the table to how you and your butler relate

Three porcelain plates laid on the table with a rose

At the table

Table Manners

The order of the silver cutlery is gently indicated by your butler as you go. Rather than memorising everything, it begins with savouring the time at the table.

A silver tea service set before the fire

Afternoon tea

The Manners of Afternoon Tea

The order in which to take from the three-tier stand, and how to handle scones. Your butler brews the tea and quietly tells you what you need, when you need it.

The dining room, with the Bradley table set beneath the chandelier

Deportment

Deportment and the Bow

Standing, walking, stopping, bowing. More than the scale of the movement, we look at turning one's attention to the other person and joining each gesture without losing posture.

The dining room, with candelabra and roses on the Bradley table

Silver bell

The Bell and How to Call Your Butler

The silver bell on the table is the Manor's emblem for summoning your butler. When your butler is at your side, a glance or a brief word will do.

A leather-topped twin-pedestal desk with a typewriter

Mutual respect

How to Treat a Butler

A butler is a person with dignity of their own. We explain a relationship of mutual respect, including the boundary at which a butler may say "I am afraid I cannot".

At a glance

What the butler prepares first, scene by scene

The dining room, with its yew table and chairs beneath the chandelier

Scene	Where the lady of the house may hesitate	What the butler prepares
The table	Which piece of silver to use	Lays the setting, watches your hands and gently indicates the order
Afternoon tea	Handling the three-tier stand and scones	Brews the tea and speaks only when needed
Welcome and farewell	Where to stand, when to begin walking	Reaches for the door first and matches your pace
Calling the butler	Whether it is acceptable to speak	Places the silver bell on the table and answers its sound
Hearing a request	How much may be asked	Conveys, without discourtesy, what can be done and what cannot

The purpose of manners is not for the lady of the house to memorise rules, but to let her pass the time at ease.

At the table

Before the order of the silver, the butler watches the lady's hands.

Attending at the table means the butler takes in not only the silver cutlery but the lady's gaze, her hands and the flow of conversation. The order is indicated gently as you go. Reading where you hesitated, whether you are seeking the next move, whether you would rather not interrupt the conversation, the butler adds a word only when needed.

At the Manor in Odaiba, we keep twelve pieces of Christofle Marly for six guests. Even before such splendid silver, there is no need for concern. The details are explained under "Table Manners", and the actual scene at the Manor can be seen in The Salon's "At the Dining Table".

See At the Dining Table

A tea service with silver pot and sugar bowl

A quiet sequence

Five movements by which the butler prepares the setting

The fireplace and rococo sofa in the fireplace room

Look first

Watching the lady's pace, gaze and hands, the butler confirms what is needed next.

Prepare first

The door, the chair, the silver and the cup are arranged before the lady of the house reaches for them.

Say only what is needed

If there is hesitation, the order is conveyed in a brief word that does not stop the moment.

Wait for the movement

Rather than anticipating on the butler's judgement alone, the time in which the lady of the house chooses and the pauses in conversation are protected.

Step back

Once the lady of the house is settled, the butler takes a distance and waits where a response can be given when needed.

A butler's white-gloved hands holding a teapot and cup

Five scenes

Each of the five manners exists so that the lady of the house is never hurried

Table manners	Even if the number of pieces is bewildering, your butler watches your hands and tells you only the order you need
Afternoon tea	Before the three-tier stand and scones, your butler brews the tea and answers questions briefly
Deportment	Standing, walking, stopping and bowing are joined while watching the distance from the other person
The silver bell	A signal for calling your butler without raising your voice; the sound on the table is answered
How to treat a butler	What can and cannot be done is put into words on both sides, protecting the dignity of each
The shared attitude	Men and women butlers alike prepare the setting with the lady's time at its centre

What butler manners protect

Preparing the door, chair, table and path before the lady of the house hesitates
Speaking only when needed, in brief words that do not interrupt conversation
Receiving signals that need no raised voice, such as a glance or the silver bell
Conveying without discourtesy what can and cannot be done, protecting the dignity of both

What they never demand

Testing the lady's knowledge or looking for mistakes
Imposing the same pace, distance and words on everyone
Accepting unconditionally requests beyond the scope or dignity of a butler's duties

Signals the lady of the house may give

Turn your gaze to your butler
Say simply, "Butler"
Ring the silver bell on the table to summon a butler in the anteroom

Respect

"I am afraid I cannot" is also a butler's phrase.

A butler listens carefully to the lady's wishes. At the same time, a butler is not someone who accepts everything unconditionally. Strengths differ from butler to butler, and to requests beyond the scope of their duties or that would compromise their dignity, a butler may say, "I am afraid I cannot."

Respect for the lady of the house, and the dignity of the butler protected: only with both can the relationship remain one of lasting confidence. This boundary is unchanged even in the relationship with a Buddy, your dedicated butler. Receiving each other's words, the butler proposes a form that strains neither.

QDo I need to learn table manners before I come?

Not at all. Even the order of the silver is gently indicated by your butler as you go. If you hesitate, simply ask with a glance; your butler is watching your hands.

QWhen should I ring the silver bell?

When your butler is in the anteroom, please ring it freely. When your butler is at your side, a glance or the word "Butler" will do.

QMay I thank my butler?

Of course. There is no need for any special form of words. Please say it as you would to anyone.

QMight a butler decline a request?

Yes. What each butler can do differs, and requests beyond the scope of their duties or that would compromise their dignity are respectfully declined.

QDo women butlers serve with the same manners?

Yes. Men and women butlers alike prepare the setting and the movement so that the lady of the house need never hesitate. Their bearing may differ, but the attitude of placing the lady's time at the centre is shared.

QCan I enjoy the Manor without knowing much about manners?

Of course. Butler manners do not ask knowledge of the lady of the house; they are the gestures by which the butler prepares in advance to reduce hesitation. Whatever you are unsure of, please ask on the spot.